Hey Girl! (Stars as eyes emoji) I reached out because I think you’d be a perfect person for reading this blog! (heart eyes emoji)

YUCK.

The irony isn’t lost to me that a blog/clothing line (is it a blog or a clothing line?) whose logo is a pyramid is shitting on the concept of a pyramid scheme. Sorry, “MLM”, rather.

Multi-level marketing (legalese for legal pyramid scheme) is a company in which distributors purchase stock from the company and take a cut of profits once products are re-sold. They also make a percentage of sales from distributors they directly recruit to sell the company’s product. They also make an even larger percentage of anyone that knows them highly annoyed with their incessant promotion of subpar lifestyle products and bizarre recruiting tactics.

Primerica? Trash. Amway Global? TRASH. Herbalife? Trash. Arbonne? Trash. Avon? Probably trash idk tho I think it got left in the dust when Xanga was still a thing. In 2025 when they release some keto mushroom moose-cum algae age-defying coconut oil supplement, it’ll be trash, too.

It’s always somebody who was mean in middle school that suddenly wants to reconnect and recruit you into the Direct Sales division in the Army of Online Annoyances.

Imagine getting suckered into a pyramid scheme and now all of your family and friends have to pay for it.

My impressionable, barely-legal, 18-year-old self almost got roped into Amway Global back in the day by my cousin’s ex-boyfriend and luckily I wasn’t gullible enough to listen to this fucking dipshit moron or his dicey, used car salesman-looking friend taking lunch break meetings with me from his bank job, trying to tell me I could make six figures selling cashews and water treatment systems to everyone I could recruit in my phone contacts. (Hey Mateo, if you’re reading this, the pH level or electrons in a water bottle doesn’t impact your balance if you’re holding it and standing on one leg, you tiny dweeb.) That was understandably not relatable to most of you I hope, I’ve just never seen the dude again, not sure when else I could talk about it and had to get it off of my chest.

Anyway, frankly I just think you’re a shitty human being to try to recruit people who care about you to meet a quota for companies that live off of distributor acquisitions and not product sales.

Pro-tip: Don’t trust anyone who can’t explain to you over the phone what they want to sell you, whether it be a career path or some type of insurance venture. They want you to commit to a sit-down to make it more likely you don’t pass on their offer as psychologically you’ve already committed time.

This especially goes for anyone selling you insurance (especially life insurance agents [but also make sure you have life insurance]).

Selling can be tough and folks who are great at new client acquisition should be applauded, however, there’s a line of where you go from being viewed as skilled and being a pest. There’s a difference between a polite sales pitch at the door and being bombarded with odd compliments in the produce section of the grocery store, followed by them asking what you do for a living. Anybody trying to make too much eye contact with you in the grocery store either wants to kill you, fuck you or sell you something.

Anyway, I’m out, though.

Your high school crush got a VSCO app and a backseat-of-a-mid-size-sedan-load’s worth of vitamin supplements and now she’s a Girl Boss. Also, she hasn’t cleaned it in eight months.

Your high school crush keeps posting their weight loss journey from some MLM diet pills but fails to note their rumored cocaine addiction. You truly to hate to see it.

Be great, stay safe.

-SG

P.S. If you wanted to embarrass your family online so badly for a white Mercedes, you could’ve made an OnlyFans.

I’m back and I’m annoyed. A new year and decade have futsal shuffled into our lives and people are doing the gosh darn most online.

It would be personally detrimental for a buzzword like “influencer” to become overused and diluted, only to join the likes of “clout”, “swag”, “lit”, “sonically”, and “curate” in the uncool vocabulary graveyard. Let’s get into what is and what is not.

Influencer (n): An online persona that through dedicated content creation (and a humble dash of narcissism), has established credibility that is able to persuade others by the reliability of their authenticity.

An influencer is not someone who decided to kick the decade off pretending to be an expert in selling goofy ass weight loss keto coffee online.

I miss when people didn’t feel like they had to be vulnerable online. When annoyingly oversharing your personal life wasn’t considered brave, the Internet felt less like a group council session and more like an art gallery you didn’t have to be quiet in. I miss when Instagram was more like a ‘Greatest Hits’ album and less like the nonessential, poignant B-Sides so often offered via ephemeral exposé. Basically, I’m saying it’s way more popping to be depressed on Twitter than Instagram, but that’s beside the point.

Why do people try to make their followers read on an app meant for pictures? The “a picture is worth 1,000 words” sentiment wasn’t something that was meant to be tested, yet people with no feel do it every day.
The best Instagram posts are great photos with captions that are a maximum of two sentences if punctuation calls for it. Content creation on Instagram is as simple as ABC. Architecture. Butts. Creatures/Creations. It’s hard to go wrong if you follow this formula with a clever (more importantly, short) caption.
When people have multi-paragraph captions, I read until the “more…” and then I play a word game where I base the context of the post by the first random three words I see after that. This method not only saves time and is more entertaining, but it’s approximately equally as off-based as the actual caption is to the strikingly obvious, fake, candid picture. I could gather they are thankful for their loved ones or they remodeled their bathroom vanity or they wrote a terrorist manifesto. I’ll never know for sure.

Moving on.

It’s normal and encouraged to taste new things in life or even pivot careers and life goals. Just please, for the love of God (or your personal choice to have an absence thereof [it’s 2020 baby I’m trying to be more inclusive]), don’t over-niche your persona every time you want to try something new and post about it online. You don’t need to be @PeakedinHighSchool_fit when you can be @PeakedinHighSchool, my guy. People are going to be able to tell it’s a fitness account by the abusively redundant content, I promise. No need to unnecessarily box yourself in.

Also.

If we could all collectively agree that it’s never needed to announce that you’re taking a break from being online, that would really brighten up the internet experience. You don’t need to announce you’re “taking a detox from social media”, whatever the fuck that means; we know you still have your phone on you. And, you most certainly do not need to let us know when you’re returning from your break like you’re a convenience store or a Lens Crafters. Nothing screams “I would like attention!” when you come back 12 hours later and post more stories before that first away message post has a chance to expire.

I’m out, though. Let’s all try to think less about what time we should post our pics for maximum attention and focus more on maximizing the moments that made you want to share your photo, to begin with.

Be great, stay safe.
-SG

P.S. The worst type of aspiring influencer chicks don’t want to work they just want to cry about their hard day and post selfies and holistic medicine tips on their IG stories‬. It’s like a new age of stay-at-home moms only instead of a child, they’re raising an iPhone.

TL;DR:
• I’m back on my bullshit.
• Try not to make it a thing to be sad on Instagram, it was way cooler when people only shared the highlights. Twitter is the place to be sad for attention online.
• Don’t post away messages on Instagram stories, this isn’t AOL Instant Messenger, you twat.
• Folks don’t understand the value of digital real estate in having your real name username.